Tuesday, November 28, 2006

My Little Life Lessons for the Day

Lesson #1:

Whenever you pull into Hardee's drive thru because you are craving their biscuit and gravy, be on the look-out for who is in front of you. If at any time, you see the Super Septic Tank Specialist truck parked next to the restaurant, you can bet it isn't a good sign. Another clue is when the driver gets out of his truck, waves everyone around, walks up to the entrance of the restaurant and knocks on the locked door because the "Lobby Is Closed Until Further Notice."

It also becomes apparent to you that other people can somehow ignore the fact that there is some sort of reason the lobby is closed and the septic guy has stopped at Hardee's for reasons other than a sausage biscuit or a 3 inch thick burger, you know, because perhaps the entire restaurant is flooded with foul substances that would kill most appetites. Or make one heave and retch. Good ole N and V. (That's nausea and vomiting to you newcomers.)

You also learn that the Health Department allows the restaurant to continue serving food, albeit on a limited drive thru basis, even though there is a foul substance erupting from toilets where even gravity has lost its influence. You wonder, "At what level of communicable diseased disgust does the health inspector shut the place down- ankle or knee deep?"

Lesson #2:

After laying rubber on the road, you head to the next fast food restaurant, the one that prides itself on not selling beef. AHEM.

Let's just say, um, their coffee and biscuits? Well, they should stick with chicken.

Lesson # 3:

After a heavy helping of nausea and a side of disappointment, you pour out your coffee and go to Wal-mart. This is when you realize one of life's greatest lessons- Never, I say never go anywhere, even to Wal-mart without make-up. (Didn't your grandmother teach you anything?) The cashier may in fact comment on the cute toy you have purchased and ask you if your granddaughter likes them. Oh, yes she did. She later looks up, gets a good look at either your fair as snow skin or the look of disdain across your not-so rosy cheeks. She then will correct her comment and say "I mean your daughter," but alas it is too late. You are scarred for life, or at least until you can get to your make-up bag at home.

Lesson #4:

You realize that the UPS guy may have done more work before 8:00 AM than you have done all day, but you have learned more before 10:00 AM than most folks will learn in a lifetime.

Or maybe not. But it sounded profound and a good ending to an otherwise uninspiring post.

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

Oh my WORD. She didn't really call you a GRANDMOTHER?? To your face?

I'd just snatch her head BALD for that one!...in a totally CHRISTIAN way, of course...

Thank you so much for the kind words when you visited my blog. Actually, the resolution on the photo was bad enough, and the picture was taken far enough away that you can't see the bags and wrinkles.

Plus, I was wearing MAKEUP.

A-hem. :)

Susanne said...

Gross to not shutting down that resteraunt and totally fumigating it! Blech!

Oh dear you motivated me to start putting on my makeup every morning!

Mommy Dearest said...

I've just lost my appetite through possibly the end of the week.

You never did your roots and posted a picture. We've got the AARP thing and now the grandmother comment. Hmmm...

Okay, I'm just teasing because I know I'm older than you!

Big Mama said...

Oh no! That's enough to make you want to crawl back in bed and start all over. Or at least find some good quality,non-septic biscuits and gravy and start all over.

Tammy said...

OH MELANIE!!!!!
This was ha-lar-i-ious!!!!!!
And gross about the restaurant...I'm totally not in a chicken and coffee mood right now.

And I'm so, so sorry about the grandmother thing! Yikes!!!!
I have a friend who's only 32 and when she was holding her baby nephew, a lady at church said how cute her little grandson was! Major ego damage!
And it's crazy, because she doesn't look like a grandma at all!
So just remember the clerk's eyes were not well and in a post-black Friday glaze. ;)