Dear Alexander Hamilton,

I would rather talk to Abe Lincoln, but I got the Venti.

Sitting in Starbucks' drive thru, I just ordered my non-fat Venti mocha, add the whip. I reached in my wallet and you were there, right next to an old Target receipt and a half-used book of stamps. You would appreciate this- the new stamp has the Liberty Bell on it.

So, anyway. I'm sitting in my Japanese-made automobile looking at your picture. What is up with the scarf? I know that was very GQ back then, but now Clinton and Stacey would tell you to "open up the neck a little." However, you did have some good hair. For a man.

You would be shocked at what is going on in our country. The woman making my coffee has piercings and tatoos in places that would make you blush. She wears pants from this place called "The Gap." It's a store where they sell men's clothes on one side and women's clothes on the other side, but all the clothes look the same. There's a lot of white and khaki and posters about world peace. But they also have scarves, so you might like it.

The lady in front of me is driving a hybrid. It runs on gas and electricity. She paid nearly 40K for it so that she can save $3.00 per gallon on gas. She'll have to drive from here to Alaska several hundred times to make up the difference, but it will save us all from heating to death.

It's called Global Warming. Let me tell you about it.

It is the Super Bowl of Survival of the Fittest (you have no idea what I'm talking about, do you?) Humans v. Polar Bears. Teddy Roosevelt would love this. Maybe I'll write to him later...

But I digress. Global Warming is this thing we humans are doing where we have polluted the air (while sitting in Starbucks' drive thru) and all of these other dangerous things to the point that we are single-handedly making the Earth warmer one degree at a time!

We have done all of this but we still haven't improved the postal system. (We could use Ben Franklin these days. Put in a good word for us, would ya?)

There are a few other changes you'd love to know.

We are good friends with England. In fact, they are one of our last, loyal allies.

Women have the right to vote. (Yep, that would be me and the lady in the hybrid.)

I am typing on a computer on the Internet. Nevermind.

People don't have duels anymore. They just get lawyers.

We've been to the Moon. Several times. No one really cares, except for when they are trying to do something like stop Global Warming. They'll say, "We can put a man on the Moon, but we can't stop Global Warming."

One more thing. We never really went back to tea.

Which is why I'm in Starbucks' drive thru exchanging you for a non-fat Venti mocha, add the whip.