Thursday, July 05, 2007

How to look really thin while wearing your Depends Undergarments.

There's a new weight loss method out there on the shelves, but beware dear Internets. The name on the box may sound like a friend, but this diet aid is no buddy of yours. No, m'am.

The ingredient that causes weight loss works by preventing the absorption of fat. This sounds like a gift from above. So, I can eat as much fat as I want and not get fat? Ummm...that means I can eat ice cream, cakes from the gas station, fried chicken from the gas station, butter beans cooked in pork grease and let me think what else...

Yeah. Where can I get this stuff in bulk?

If it sounds too good to be true, well, you know the rest. I'm not sayin' it can't work. Noooo. I would never challenge the validity of an FDA test. Ahem.

See, you always have to read the fine print. It's in fine print for a reason, people.

So, you take this product, eat fatty food and your body doesn't absorb it. Where does it go? To Never Never Land? To The Great Fat Farm In the Sky? Deep in the East River with Jimmy Hoffa? Nope. According to the website, the body will expel the unabsorbed fat.

Expel. It doesn't mean that the Snickers bar went to the Principal's office. It means your body expels it the way it expels every other food you eat. Just to prove it, they want you to look for it.

Let's all say it together. EWWWWWW!

According to the website, you may see something in the commode that resembles pizza grease...Blah, blah, blah...

In other words, it gives you the trots, girlfriends.

I'm thinking it works because after you have seen the "results", you just quit eating pizza. But, hey, I'm no scientist.

The website warns you about what happens when you take the product and still eat like a pig, I mean eat too much fat at one time. Here are a few tips paraphrased just a bit, wink wink-

1. When you begin taking the product, you may want to limit the amount of fat you eat until you are used to the product's side affects, like going to the bathroom fifty times a day.

2. You may want to wear dark pants to work in case you soil yourself while getting thin and beautiful. This may also be a good time to apply for work with UPS.

3. While taking the product you may experience more gas. The best place to expel the gas is in the bathroom. Ahem. Didn't we learn this in the third grade?

Can you just picture a really thin woman at an important board meeting, wearing UPS brown pants, eating a Snickers bar, going over quotas and charts and really important stuff that you put on Power Point and she stops mid-sentence to excuse herself to the Ladies Room so she can expel something and then look for it?

Girlfriend, next time go for the snack size Snickers, or just don't take something that makes your body do things only done by rude, old men in plaid pants and suspenders. Or third grade boys.

I would love to lose some weight and fit into some cute capris or a sassy new sundress. I just don't want all my capris to have to be dark brown.

Then again, they say that brown is the new black... ;>)


Susanne said...

LOL! I nominate you the official fine print reader of anything diet related. You can be our roving reporter of all things absorbing! :v)

2nd Cup of Coffee said...

Bravo! Cracks-me-up! When I read Susanne's comment, I mistakenly read, "the official fine print reader of anything diet retarded," which is remarkably accurate in this case. Here's the pivotal sentence of the whole thing: "Expel. It doesn't mean that the Snickers bar went to the Principal's office." Got it! Too funny.

Fiddledeedee said...

I saw this. And I noticed the fine print. Something to the tune of "oily discharge." Allrightythen. Check please.


Nancy Murphree Davis said...

Saw a endcap of this today. Glad you are keeping us filled in on the small print. I am a happy user of Enova as you earlier pointed out, so maybe it WOULD be something I might buy. ;)

Brenda said...

You totally crack me up. Sure you can lose weight without dieting, but don't think you won't have to exercise. All that running to the ladies room? Yep. It's exercise.

Karla Porter Archer said...

I've been thinking the same thing about this new "wonder pill".

I think I'd rather keep the rolls around my belly...


mandy said...

OH i'm dying!!!! that was TOOOO funny!
now i gotta go to the bathroom - about to wet mt pants.

pinkmommy said...

I came over today by way of Boomama. Your 4th of July post was grand. This post...oh my goodness, a knee slapper!!! I will be back for more!!!

WendyDarling said...

LOL... too funny! :-)

Anonymous said...

Yeah, I read the whole less fatty foods-more exercise thing. I think if I can cut my fat & increase my exercise, do I really need to fork over the dough for the pills??