Thursday, February 19, 2009

Ten Things that should never have been invented.

I was craving some Brach's chocolate covered peanut clusters yesterday. They are difficult to find. Believe me. When I was pregnant, I craved this particular delectable in the last trimester, along with many other calorie-loaded foods like crab ragoon and spicy Mexican food. Oh, and Vlasic garlic pickles.

Yes, M'am. My digestive tract has never been the same.

We won't even discuss my girlish figure.

So yesterday I was looking for the Brach's chocolate covered peanut clusters and all I found was Bridge Mix.

I have never understood Bridge Mix. I mean, there is so much and so little going on in there. All you do is pick out what you like and leave the rest. This epiphany in Walgreens led me to write this post. It's a list of things I believe should never have been invented.

If your son or daughter invented this stuff, I apologize. I am sure your child is lovely. Just lovely.

In addition to Bridge Mix, here is my list.

1. Shredded wheat. Anything that you can use to clean the sink should not be considered a food item. And, the frosting? Puh-lease! I ain't falling for it.

2. Cottage cheese. Once something has gone bad you are supposed to throw it out, not add peaches to it.

3. Anchovies and sardines. Okay. I realize that God actually invented these and I have no problem with that at all.

Just so we are clear.

However, I am pretty sure God did not intend for us to put them on pizza or saltine crackers.

4. Home Gym Equipment. I already have somewhere to hang my clothes. It's called the closet.

5. Mommy Magazines. All of those projects for moms to do with their kids will just send you spiraling into depression. Never mind that the house isn't clean and the dishes are piled high. Now I am supposed to make cupcakes from scratch and pipe little clown faces on them.

Thanks, Martha. I suddenly feel like Mother Of The Year.

6. Letter openers. Let's be real. We all know they were just invented to be used as weapons in mystery novels.

7. Shoe horns. I have forever threatened to give my husband one of these. I honestly don't understand them. And why "horn?" Are you supposed to yell into it and announce that your shoes don't fit?

8. Low rise jeans.

No explanation needed.

9. Floam. I am convinced it was invented by a cruel person without children or carpet. It may even be featured in a Mommy Magazine.

10. Nutritional Information. Although that little chart is very helpful for people with heart disease, diabetes and a general sense of health responsibility, it just serves as a reminder to me that I can't eat all of the Brach's chocolate covered peanut clusters in one sitting.

So maybe Bridge Mix isn't so bad after all. At least I wouldn't eat the whole bag...


fuzzytop said...

What a fun post!

Here's a few more for you:

* shoes for newborns - why do newborns need shoes when they are not going to be walking, and really, aren't they much more comfortable with just socks?

* rice cakes - dry sawdust is more appetizing

* dolls that really wet their pants... eeeyyyyeeeewwwww Why would any kid want to play with a doll that pees???

* extraneous body piercings, especially with those things that look like huge safety pins...

* Artichokes - Some people love 'em, but I think they are just way more trouble than they are worth.

And we make peanut clusters at home... All you need to do is melt a bag of milk chocolate chips in a double boiler, add about 1-2 tsps of shortening, and then stir in a can of roasted peanuts (Not the spanish peanuts with the red skins) stir, and then drop by tablespoon onto a cookie sheet covered with wax paper. Let them cool and enjoy!


Theresa said...

Too funny! What about mosquitoes? When I die, that is the first thing I'm gonna ask God about. "What was the purpose of mosquitoes?"

2nd Cup of Coffee said...

You are a hoot! Number 3: Just because God made it doesn't mean he intended us to eat it.

Anonymous said...

this post made me crack up!