If My Garmin Had A Southern Accent

I wrote a post reviewing our weekend and nearly fell asleep while proofreading it. Since it's already Tuesday and most people are making plans for their next weekend, I'll just scrap my summary of our last weekend, which could pretty much be summed up in one word.

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.

So, that's not really a word.

Let's move on.

Last week, a friend and I visited a new mom we know. I had printed out a map, thinking I knew exactly where I was going. We found what we thought was the street, counted down the blocks as I drove, only to find ourselves at a dead end and completely out of house numbers.

My GPS wasn't plugged in, and since I am not a multi-tasking driver (except for lipstick applications), my friend got directions the old-fashioned way. She called someone and asked.

Fortunately for us, the person we called knew exactly where the mom lived and gave us excellent directions. It also appears that there are two streets in SmallTown by the same name. Fun for the pizza guy.

I was telling Hubs the story the other day and we started explaining to Daughter about how Southern people give directions.

It got me thinking. What if the voice on your car's GPS was that of a Southern lady?

Her instructions may go something like this-

Honey, I'm terrible with directions. I'll have to give you directions from my house, since that's the way I would normally go. You know how to get to my house, right? Y'all came to the Sunday School Christmas party last year, although that was at night, and if you're like me, I'm terrible with directions in the dark. Plus, I don't drive at night since I had my cataract surgery.

So, you'll have to bear with me while I try to give you directions from my place. Okay, you pull out of my drive like you're going to Winn Dixie, but then you turn before you get to the stoplight. I think you turn left at the light. You'll have to sit there a sweet forever because that light is so long, and don't go when school is getting out or the speed limit is 25, and that crossing guard will shake her finger at you. You know, she has been a crossing guard for nearly thirty years? She really should retire because the arthritis has been giving her fits.

Turn there at the light and go past the Cut 'N Curl until you see the pretty yellow house with the black shutters. That's Louise's house. This time of year she has the prettiest bedding plants, but I don't think she's planted any yet, you know, because of the weather we've been having.

When you pull into her driveway, be sure not to park near the old tree. She lets her dog go over there and one time I got out of the car and stepped in something awful and ruined my good shoes I got from Steinmarts. They were on sale, too.

When you see her, tell her I said,"hello" and ask her how her mama's doing.

What's that?

You need directions to Gladys' house?

Oh, I have no idea how to get to her house, but I heard she's already planted her bedding plants and you know they're going to be ruined with this weather we've been having.

And she doesn't have a dog.