Tuesday, March 23, 2010

If My Garmin Had A Southern Accent

I wrote a post reviewing our weekend and nearly fell asleep while proofreading it. Since it's already Tuesday and most people are making plans for their next weekend, I'll just scrap my summary of our last weekend, which could pretty much be summed up in one word.

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.

So, that's not really a word.

Let's move on.

Last week, a friend and I visited a new mom we know. I had printed out a map, thinking I knew exactly where I was going. We found what we thought was the street, counted down the blocks as I drove, only to find ourselves at a dead end and completely out of house numbers.

My GPS wasn't plugged in, and since I am not a multi-tasking driver (except for lipstick applications), my friend got directions the old-fashioned way. She called someone and asked.

Fortunately for us, the person we called knew exactly where the mom lived and gave us excellent directions. It also appears that there are two streets in SmallTown by the same name. Fun for the pizza guy.

I was telling Hubs the story the other day and we started explaining to Daughter about how Southern people give directions.

It got me thinking. What if the voice on your car's GPS was that of a Southern lady?

Her instructions may go something like this-

Honey, I'm terrible with directions. I'll have to give you directions from my house, since that's the way I would normally go. You know how to get to my house, right? Y'all came to the Sunday School Christmas party last year, although that was at night, and if you're like me, I'm terrible with directions in the dark. Plus, I don't drive at night since I had my cataract surgery.

So, you'll have to bear with me while I try to give you directions from my place. Okay, you pull out of my drive like you're going to Winn Dixie, but then you turn before you get to the stoplight. I think you turn left at the light. You'll have to sit there a sweet forever because that light is so long, and don't go when school is getting out or the speed limit is 25, and that crossing guard will shake her finger at you. You know, she has been a crossing guard for nearly thirty years? She really should retire because the arthritis has been giving her fits.

Turn there at the light and go past the Cut 'N Curl until you see the pretty yellow house with the black shutters. That's Louise's house. This time of year she has the prettiest bedding plants, but I don't think she's planted any yet, you know, because of the weather we've been having.

When you pull into her driveway, be sure not to park near the old tree. She lets her dog go over there and one time I got out of the car and stepped in something awful and ruined my good shoes I got from Steinmarts. They were on sale, too.

When you see her, tell her I said,"hello" and ask her how her mama's doing.

What's that?

You need directions to Gladys' house?


Oh, I have no idea how to get to her house, but I heard she's already planted her bedding plants and you know they're going to be ruined with this weather we've been having.

And she doesn't have a dog.

18 comments:

pendy said...

You nailed it. Except in my small town, you have to know what used to be in every building...ex: go past the old piggly wiggly and turn left at the old florist shop, you know, where Sarah's mama had her heart attack...

Connie said...

Laughing my head off! Pendy has it right too, only I am usually the one saying it used to be this or that!

Carpool Queen said...

Were you in my back seat this week?

nikkipolani said...

I sent this to my mom today during lunch hour and she got a good laugh :-)

averagemoreorless said...

The voice in my head is hilarious! Thanks for sharing.

KellyJ said...

That was soooo funny. you inspired me to get writing. Cheers!

Kay @ Off the Beaten Path said...

You have obviously been getting directions from my mother, who has also already planted her spring beds and would like for you to find out from Gladys when you see her what she cooked for dinner last night. My mom loves to talk about what she cooked for dinner last night...

Roxanne said...

Oh. . .girl. . .hilarious. And dead on.

tootie said...

Hilarious! And so true!

Mama Hen said...

This is so true!!!!! Great post. I am going to link to you on my Friday Link-A-Loos.

Kellie said...

Hilarious!

MissBrightside said...

My Mother once gave directions to my husband that included "turn left at the burned out silo." This would not have been a problem except he did not know what a silo was and I spent 30 minutes trying to explain it and in that time I could have just driven him there myself. But I said all of that to say this...so true! so funny!

The Mom said...

You are dead on with the directions. I can hear any number of women I know giving those directions. Very cute, clever post! Thanks for the smile today.

Life In Progress said...

I'm not even a Southerner and I still found this hilarious! Just what I needed today.

Ellen Grant said...

Or what about when you are new in town and directions are centered around "where the old wal-mart used to be"? That gets really confusing.

Branalyn said...

In my town, which is not small, there are not two, but THREE streets with the same name. Appomattox. In THREE DIFFERENT NEIGHBORHOODS! We used to live on Appomattox and we ALWAYS had to tell the pizza guys the Appomattox in the RAINTREE neighborhood. And then they still got lost. Also, I find nothing wrong with those directions. They sound perfect! lol

Melanie said...

SO HILARIOUS! I am from a small town in northeast TN and you completely nailed it! I know the person that goes with this voice!!!!! :)

Seriously, that made my whole day! Thanks!

Melanie
~ melscoffeebreak.blogspot.com ~

renewd42 said...

This is so funny, we live in West By golly VA and just ask some one round these parts for directions and you'll wind up asking a cow for more directions. LOL Just five fence posts past Earls farm, and then two more mail boxes to the right! LOL Great post loved it!! check out my blog sometime love to have you along!! Just building up...friends that is, gatherin along the way! blessings! Lisa http://faithonthemountains.blogspot.com/