Monday, February 11, 2008

This just in: Hansel and Gretel were married.

Hubs and I are always talking nonsense. It makes perfect sense to us, but to other people our conversations sound a lot like Regis and Kelly before they've had their coffee.

And we all know that I look exactly like Kelly- blonde, perky, and a size -1. Ahem.

Fortunately, my husband looks nothing like Regis. Don't get me wrong. There's nothing wrong with Regis. He's a sharp dresser and up-to-date on current events and he did a fantastic job on Millionaire...

I won't mince words. He's old.

So, anyhoo.

The other day, hubs and I were in the kitchen with our daughter and we started talking nonsense. I don't know how it all began, but the conversation turned into a discussion of Hansel and Gretel.

The funny thing is that whenever we go off on our rabbit trails, many times our daughter is able to follow along, or at the very least she is mildly amused. She has learned in her tender age that Mommy and Daddy have their own love language.

They speak "Weird."

So back to H and G.

It all started with the crumbs and how the crumbs disappeared and then they couldn't find their way home. Then we trailed off into our own fairy tale.

Little did we know as children, but Hansel and Gretel were not brother and sister. Nope. They were husband and wife.

See, Hansel was eating the bread and making a big ole' mess along the way so, of course, Gretel picked up after him. Hansel wasn't even supposed to be eating the bread. Gretel made it for a special occasion- Thanksgiving dinner at her mother-in-law's house.

In fact, that is where they were headed. So when they got there empty-handed because Hansel ate all of the bread due to the fact that he didn't eat lunch earlier even though Gretel told him he would be hungry later and she made the best soup for lunch but he didn't want any because it was Thanksgiving and he wanted to save his appetite for the big meal and then he got hungry anyway and decided to eat the bread just to tide him over...

Well, you get the picture.

So they arrived at Hansel's mother's house and Hansel's mother had made the best Thanksgiving meal complete with turkey and dressing and cranberries and all the rest. All except for the bread which Gretel was supposed to bring only her husband ate it all along the way and now Gretel arrived at her mother-in-law's house completely empty-handed.

And Gretel was Southern.

So, the mother-in-law had to quickly pre-heat the oven and cook some Brown 'n Serve rolls that she had on hand because she never can depend on that good-for-nothing daughter-in-law who shows up at her house to eat and always promises to bring something but somehow always shows up empty-handed.

Suddenly, the mother-in-law catches Hansel literally eating them all out of house and home, snacking on the sugar-coated shudders and nibbling on the candy corn doorknobs when she calls them both into the kitchen for a little family discussion.

Then the oven's pre-heat buzzer goes off. There is a scuffle and then something happens that will become a family controversy that lives on for generations to come.

And that, boys and girls, is how Gretel almost became toast.

Edited to add for some clarification: This is completely hypothetical, folks. I love my mother- in-law. Plus, I don't bake. ;>)


Kelli said...

"And now you know .... the REST of the story."


Anonymous said...

I have been enjoying your blog and figure it's about time I say "Hi"!
Your title, "This Ain't New York" and quote about the South first got my attention. Then the fact that you love the smell of wet rain on pavement. I so do too. Never have heard anybody say it though. So Hello from you neighbor just a little further south (N. Florida)

Jennifer Owens said...

HA and HAHAH! I loved your version way better.

PJ said...

I do like your version!!! Sounds good to me. Not weird at all.

2nd Cup of Coffee said...

Did you change some names to protect the innocent and not-so-innocent by any chance?