Monday, September 25, 2006

Mama: The Sequel

Mama is the one who encouraged you to play outside, not to sit too close to the TV or it would ruin your eyesight, and fed you hot dogs and Little Debbie's, while simultaneously handing you a Flintstone vitamin.

And, you thought I had gone sappy on you...

Mama is the first one to praise how wonderful the Thanksgiving dinner tasted then tell you that you cooked way too much food. What a waste of food. How are we going to eat all of this food?

Mama tells you how much she loves your new haircut. She didn't want to say anything before, but she didn't think your old style was very flattering.

Mama is the only person who will tell you that you have bad breath. Then, she will reach in her purse and offer you a Tic Tac, Lifesaver, or a piece of Big Red.

Your mama was the one who told you that you take after her, inheriting the tendency to gain weight in the hips and thighs. Bless your heart.

Mama said that all the women in the family turn grey early. You aren't alone.

Your mama will always let you use her nice crystal punch bowl whenever you host a baby shower. She is the first to tell you the very best punch recipe to use, depending on whether it is a boy or a girl..."Why don't you use that pretty pink punch with the cranberry juice, the one in last year's Junior League cookbook? You know the one. Shirley Johnson submitted it, but it isn't under "Shirley," it's listed as "Mrs. Bobby Johnson,"or you could always go with the lime sherbet punch. You know green is unisex for baby showers, but, if you make the pink one, make sure you put enough sugar in it. It calls for cranberry juice and the last time you made it, I just couldn't drink it. It was too tart."

Mama always says how beautiful you are, especially if you could lose those extra 8 pounds that you gained at Thanksgiving.

Mama will stand by you no matter what. She sticks with you through thick or thin. She is the only one who would bail you out of jail, using the secret stash of money she has hidden somewhere in the house.

Mama will sit there in the courtroom every day of the trial. She will sit where you can turn around and see her sobbing. She'll dab at her tears of disappointment with a Kleenex, but she'll never blow her nose. (Mercy, no! That would be embarrassing!)

When the trial is all over, and the judge reads the guilty verdict, Mama will still be there for you when everyone else has abandoned you. As the bailiff escorts you off to Attica, Mama will stand and wave her Kleenex, "I love you, baby. Mama knows you didn't do it! I'll come see you every day! Call me when you get there."

8 comments:

Lauren said...

So how long were you in Attica?

Melanie said...

Lauren-
Mine was a plea agreement. I am actually in witness protection now. ;>)

Grafted Branch said...

Has your Mama ever considered adopting an older, hard-to-place child? Like...38? :)

Tammy said...

Melanie, I actually read this one first...before reading the "sappy" one...commented on that one too!

So cute...and you successfully made me both laugh and cry in the span of 60 seconds. :)

Nancy said...

I loved the "call me when you get there line." Mom stills says that to me, but I respond, "You know I'll forget. Call when you think I should be home." I know she has it calculated already anyway.

Cheryl said...

Just wanted to let you know that my son finally went to Jimmy's Hot Dog stand and said they were delicious! Being the sweet sone that he is, he also said "they weren't as good as yours mom!" Ahhhhhh! He knows the right thing to say anyway.

Big Mama said...

I loved the first one and this one just made me laugh out loud.

Mommy Dearest said...

I think you have completely lost it!