Monday, October 16, 2006

Monday Madness

The last few days have been a whirlwind of events. My husband had his outpatient surgery on Thursday and we have been busy ever since. We started out great, then last night had a turn for the worse. Today has been wonderful and we are starting to get back to a somewhat normal routine. Before I get all sarcastic, I do want to thank you for your prayers!!

Here are a few things I have learned from the last few days-

1. On the day your husband is scheduled to have any type of surgical procedure, do not promise to make caramel apples with your child for her entire class. In the event that you do make this promise, be sure that this is not your very first attempt at making caramel apples.

Tip- The caramel will stick to other objects including your kid, yourself, your clothes, every single utensil in close proximity and your kitchen table. Miraculously, you will have an epiphany in the midnight hour and discover that the hair dryer will melt the caramel so that you can scrape it off the table. You instantly consider this tip as your next Works For Me Wednesday Post.

2. Barbie dolls and stuffed animals become dangerous hazards when in the path of a man on crutches. Be sure to have your child remove them promptly or threaten time out, loss of privileges or bodily harm. Whatever works best.

3. A very fat black cat is also a hazard. The only way to control this is to keep her in the garage for the rest of the convalescent period.

4. Liquid doughnuts from Starbucks (with triple shot of espresso) become a necessary measure for staying coherent and alert.

5. The patient recovering is more important than folding laundry, showering yourself, and blogging. :>)

6. In the event that the patient suddenly has a headache and vomiting, one must go to the ER. Carter and Carol Hathaway will not be there to soothe away the aches. But, down the hall, you can find a vending machine with Pop Tarts. Your daughter will think this is cool.

7. If you become irritated with the ER physician and find his tone condescending, make sure you choose your comments carefully after he leaves the room. For example-

Me- "What he said was crap. (Turn to child) Oops. Sweetie, that is a bad word. Don't say that word. It isn't really a curse word, but it isn't nice. NEVER say it. Mommy shouldn't have said it. I got upset and it slipped."

Child- "Crap. C-r-a-p. Crap."

Husband/Patient- Grin from ear to ear

Tip- When selecting a new spelling word, be sure it is a word that can be repeated.

8. Once you leave the ER, the personnel will give you a hand out about vomiting. It is, in my opinion, quite educational and helpful. (In the tradition of quoting sea monkey manuals, I just have to share. I could not, even with the many shots of espresso and glasses of Diet Coke, make this up!)

Warning. If you are having dinner, put the taco down. Come back later. The material you are about to read may, in fact cause nausea. Or make you laugh taco sauce through your nose.

"Nausea and Vomiting

What is it?
Nausea is a feeling of sickness in the stomach, usually accompanied by the urge to vomit. Vomiting is the forceful ejection of the stomach contents through the mouth.

Who gets it?

What are the symptoms
The symptom of nausea is a general feeling of sickness in the stomach. Just before vomiting, you may salivate considerably and begin to retch. "

Wow! I don't know about you, but I feel informed. Thank goodness for the person who takes time out of his life to research and write these educational references. And they say patient teaching is overlooked in today's health care system.

I hope that you have benefited from this post. As always, I am here for you. ;>)


Nancy said...

My favorite:
"Who gets it?
Second favorite:
" may salivate considerably"
I think we have all been there.
It reminded me of the time that I bought an absolutely no-frills phone. The instructions said, "Plug cord into telephone receptacle. Lift handset. Dial number. Talk into and listen through the handset." If you don't know at least that much, who are you going to call?

Big Mama said...

I don't know what I would do without these pieces of wisdom, especially the guide to nausea and vomiting. Any forceful ejection of anything is bound to be unpleasant.

Susanne said...

Is that what that was that my kids do when they have stomach flu! Finally I have a name to put to it! :vD

Hope your hubby feels better very quickly!

Anonymous said...

Ok no fair making me laugh so hard with my mouth rubber band shut. I am sooo sorry for your husband. The carmel apples had me laughing, but you lost me totally on the "crap" word, could not contain the laughter.

I hope your hubby feels better soon.

Sprymary said...

This may be your best yet!!! I loved the definition of vomit
v-o-m-i-t vomit. Yes, all public education has been dumbed down.