Sunday, January 07, 2007

Reality TV: The Southern Version

So, the big Grease: You're the One That I Want came on and I missed it. I have a feeling that one of you out there will fill me in and I look forward to catching up next week. I was watching the previews and noticed the judges.

What's the deal with British guys?

Nearly every reality TV show which involves talent has the following judges:

1. A very rude British guy (or at least he has a British accent) that usually tells it like it is, but everyone hates him anyway.
2. An average Joe, the guy next door type who is usually polite and nice. Sometimes he shocks us by his negative comments, but he usually sides with the third judge.
3. A cute, young, attractive woman who is almost always nice. She spars with the British judge on occasion and dresses like a contestant.

I understand the attractive woman (for the men in the audience), the average Joe (for the ladies and the family friendly appearance), but I am totally baffled by the judge with the British accent.

Can someone please explain this to me? I do not think it is very fair to the British. How does the Queen feel about this?

It is just weird, people. Just. Weird.

This whole judge issue got me to thinking. What if there was a Southern woman up there judging American Idol, Dancing With The Stars, or the new Grease show? Sweet mercy.

For one, a Southern woman would never really tell a singer that she can't sing. She would say something like,"Bless your heart, honey. You can't carry a tune in a bucket, but that outfit you've got on is just darlin'!"

She would tell a dancer, "Does your Mama know you're on TV movin' your hips like that?"

And heaven forbid what a Southern judge would say about someone trying out for Grease. It may go something like this, "Honey, I don't care what Olivia Newton-John did, no one on my stage is wearing pants that tight. It just isn't healthy."

When it came time to tell a poor, untalented star wannabe that she had to go home, the rejection speech would not be nearly as clear as Donald's "You're Fired!" No. It would go something like this...

"I can tell this means a lot to you. Your Mama and Daddy must be just bustin' at the seams with pride with you on stage and all. It's almost as excitin' as The Grand Ole Opry. I remember the time I was a dancer on the drill team and I was just so nervous, with us being at the play-offs, and it was raining, and we were playing Valdosta, and oh-my-goodness I was so nervous that I dropped my baton right there on the field next to the drum major, and he was cute too, but I was dating someone else, the quarterback for our team, Tank Williams, well his name was Tommy but he was so big that most people called him Tank, and it was funny, you know with Hank Williams and all. But, anyway I remember being on that field and I dropped my baton and I just could've died right there next to the drum major... You have the most precious smile and I love your hair, is that a perm or natural? Anyway, you are just precious and sweet as can be and I can tell you are tryin' real hard and you probably practiced a lot, too, didn't you? Do you use Breck or Suave? And oh my goodness, those shoes are the cutest thing, but I just didn't care for your little routine, honey. Bless your heart."

Now, doesn't that sound much better than anything Simon Cowell has ever said?


Grafted Branch said...

LOL! So true, but I have a love/hate relationship with that social minuet that is the Southern way. :)

And honey, that picture in your profile is just so cute! Look at you with that hat and beautiful toothy grin. Yo' jus' darlin', that's all!

(How was that?) I'm not native -- can you tell? But I really do like the picture.

Melanie said...

Grafted Branch-
Thanks. I wear hats in the summer. An excuse to not do my hair. :>)

Tammy said...

Oh yes...I think that is a much more charmin' way to reject a contestant! :D
And you know...I'm a nothwestern gal, but get me around a Southern accent for more than two minutes and it starts to drip onto me. Just living in VA for three years... I know it's not the deep south, but I ended up with a slight accent and my husband would laugh at me. ;)

And I was going to say the same thing about your profile...well, not in the same exact words ;) but I just love it and it's a lot like I pictured you! (Precious, that's all it is!) :D

Anonymous said...

LOL! The "average joe" judge is the guy who wrote "Grease". The British guy is the guy who originally sunk every penny he had and then some into producing the original Broadway musical way back when and the girl is actually an award winning Broadway director.

And you didn't miss much other than the usual try out stuff that you see on American Idol. The kids with a story, the kids who can't sing but have heart, the kids who can't sing but have attitude to spare. And the British guy telling either "you are not Sandy or Danny (depending on their gender of course) or "you are the one that we want at Grease Acadamy". Of course all with the interminably long pause after the "you are....". Watch next weeks and you'll be all caught up.

C. H. Green said...

Too funny!

Anonymous said...

This was hilarious. And I actually know someone named "Tank Williams!" He volunteered for years where I work.

Roxanne said...

Oh my stars--loved it--and so very, very true. . .every last word. I must link to you and spread the love. . .

Chrissy said...

You nailed it. Sometimes we southern ladies do take a while to soften the blow, er, get to the point...

Anonymous said...

Melanie, I never watch tv ... don't have one ... haven't had one for uh years ... they make me nervous. (That's not to say I don't rent the tv shows from netflix)

SOooo I totally don't relate to the judging discussion ....

except for that last bit ... cause that is the way a southern judge would say it ...

and you've just made me homesick!