Sunday, April 29, 2007

OK, Linda, you'd better call for those press conferences now.

For whatever reason, I am in this mood of writing about what I would do for the prison system, the country, world peace and bad hair.

OK. Bad hair is pushing it a bit.

So, I got to thinking about what else I could do to "contribute" ahem to society. Just be patient, folks. 'Kay? I am sure this little montage of nonsensical trivia will pass.

Foreign Policy-

Whenever one of our enemies does something that is threatening our freedom, democracy, and pursuit of good hair, I'll just say, "Don't make me come over there."

That's only if "The Look" doesn't work. See, I'm all about diplomacy to a point. So first I'll try a less forceful approach. My policy may or may not follow this order. (I'm a mom and the leader of the free world. My policy is subject to change right along with my hair color.)

1. The Look.
2. The Threat.
3. The Countdown. "1, 2, 3, don't make me count to 5..."
4. The I'll Put the Fear of God in you.

'Nough said.

Domestic Policy (and I don't mean who does the housekeeping)

-The first order of business is Labor Day. No one can wear white after this holiday. It just isn't done.

-Next is hunger in the US. No one will go to bed hungry unless they sassed their Mama.

-Everyone is required to take a course in manners and must carry a license as proof. If you are rude to a waitress in a restaurant or you decide to blow your nose in the middle of Pastor Bill's Easter sermon, you are required to pay a fine of $100 which will go towards the waitress's tip or the offering plate.

-Every US Citizen gets a birthday cake on their birthday. That's final.

-On a more serious note, if you have ever hurt a child, tried to hurt a child or even thought about hurting a child, (I'm a mom. I can read minds) I will personally come over there and follow the steps of the "Foreign Policy" only I will skip steps 1-3 and go straight to the Fear of God part.

Don't make me count to 1.

Military Policy

-Every person who serves or has ever served in the US military will never go hungry.

Unless he sassed his Mama.

-Every US citizen is required to take a course to learn the real sacrifice our military make. In order to complete the class, they must write "Freedom isn't free" 500 times while singing the National Anthem. (yes, they would have to learn the words.)


It is illegal to whine.

Pantyhose and uncomfortable support garments are banned.

No person will be discriminated against based on their race, gender, religion, Alma Mater, or NASCAR affiliation.

And just because I am in a good mood, I declare every Friday as Carbohydrate Day. See ya at Krispy Kreme!



Dreama said...

It should be illegal to whine, except for the Mama! God Bless our troops! They are the reason we are able to have all we have! And WOOOOOHOOOOO!!! Go Junior!!!

Military Mommy said...

I like your policies. A lot.

I'll vote for you. :)


Susanne said...

Okay, I so want you to run for office next time around. I'm sure you would win with the Carbohydrate Fridays policy alone!

Tammy said...

Oh, one of our favorite bedtime routines is that the girls and I listen to The Pond (a Christian comedic series of radio shows for children that we have on tape that always give a lesson.)
One of them was on of the pond characters starts whining and driving everyone else nuts...until they finally declare it illegal!
It only gets funnier from then on...:)

And as for Carbohydrate Day? Oh yeah...national holiday. My vote is in! :)

Clemntine said...

Oh, Melanie! I'm in! Everybody who sasses anybody's mama goes to bed without dinner. At 7pm.

I think this is a viable platform. Let's talk about your options on Carb Day at KK!

Aunt Boo said...

I am not sure that I have ever agreed with ANYONE as much I as agree with you right now!

I'll vote for you too.


Air Force Family said...

Love your policies. However, I don't agree with not wearing white after Labor Day. lol I wear white all year long b/c I love it!

Deena said...

Casting my vote...for YOU!! You make so much sense...and that's why you'll never be in government LOL!!

Justice Fergie said...

Melanie for President!

Mommy Dearest said...

I'm all over this, and you can count me in on Carbohydrate Fridays! See ya at the Krispy Kreme!

kittyhox said...

Oh my goodness, sometimes I really wish we lived in the south. You are a hoot.

And I think the birthday cake thing is very very important. My son will turn one at the end of this month and I'm going to make my first "practice" cake tomorrow. I've only made a scratch cake once before and it fell apart. His will be cherry chip w/blue icing.

Sorry to overshare, but I'm so excited about it and I just love that someone else appreciates the importance of a person's special birthday cake.