Friday, April 27, 2007

Consider this my little contribution to society.

Our prison systems don't seem to work. Once the prisoners serve their time, they just end up right back in, so I have come up with a new plan of scaring our prisoners into never committing a crime again.

Here goes...

1. During the interrogation process, if the crook won't talk, lock him alone in the room with a screaming toddler who refuses to eat. The only food available to feed the kid is beets and tofu. The crook must either talk or get the kid to eat.

That bandit will sing, I tell ya.

2. Once you've gotten the criminal to confess, he must wear the required prison uniform-

Support hose, a girdle, and a bridesmaid's dress. These were used in medieval torture chambers throughout Europe.

3. After diving for the bride's bouquet and ripping his pantyhose, he must be forced to participate in the following domestic tasks:

- Taking down 1960's vinyl wallpaper
- Removing mystery stains from upholstery
- Vacuuming the mini-van of a soccer mom and identifying all the molded objects found under the seat
- Paying all of the bills of a household on time through illness, vacation, and a death in the family.
- Sheepishly taking a pewk-stained comforter to the local cleaners
- When filling out the form for the cleaners, fill in "Child's Vomit Odor" in the needs special attention portion.
- Seek the help of any reputable repair man while spouse is away on business and the washing machine and every single toilet in the house are all broken. And everyone has the flu.

4. Watch every single episode of Teletubbies and The Wiggles.

5. Wake up at 5:00 AM Pacific Time in order to secure reservations for the Disney Breakfast with Cinderella at Disney World.

6. Take out a second mortgage in order to purchase the official Disney Cinderella dress-up outfit and the official glass slippers made of official Disney plastic so that the screaming toddler can be dressed appropriately for the Cinderella breakfast.

7. Wake up at 4:00 AM the day after Thanksgiving in order to stand in line at Wal-mart so that you can fight with 200 other sleepy moms over this year's new Cinderella toy that your toddler wants for Christmas because she had breakfast with Cinderella and now she wants nothing but Cinderella everything and I'm sorry, but Belle just won't do.

8. Assemble the Cinderella toy on Christmas morning after removing 100 plastic bread ties and the remains of a mystery stain on the box which may or may not be considered forensic evidence related to an alleged dispute with an alleged mom who thought she was going to get the last of this year's new Cinderella toy at Wal-mart but boy, you showed her.


9. Go to the post office. This may seem like cake to you, but it is pure torture to me.



Military Mommy said...

I think you're right. The bandit wouldn't be halfway done before he was singing like a little birdie. :)

Have a nice weekend,

Grafted Branch said...

You're scaring me! ;)


Gayle said...

If you ever run for office I'm totally voting for you!


Clemntine said...

So true, Melanie. So true.

Brenda said...

Talk about cruel and unusual punishment. LOL.

Susanne said...

LOL! What a great plan! This definitely needs to be put into action.

Nancy said...

My only recommendation is that you add heels to #2. Great job!

Linda said...

Taking down the wallpaper in the bridesmaids dress with NO airconditioning is the worst torture imaginable. I'm so glad you're not actually in power somewhere, cause I'd have to hold press conferences all the time to explain these procedures to people who have never had kids.

Dreama said...

Cute! Cute!
Did you really do the Cinderella breakfast? We went to Disney World in March and had a blast!! We also did Animal Kingdom, which was alright. But there is only so much you can do with wild animals.

Justice Fergie said...

I lost it when I go to "official Disney plastic" :)

This is why a woman needs to run the country.