Thursday, July 12, 2007

Humans are weird.

I was in a restaurant the other day waiting on my entree when I realized something.

We humans are weird.

Our dining requirements in a restaurant are far different than those at home.

Can you picture you and your husband sitting on the sofa, with Papa in the recliner and Granny in her rocker, eating roasted peanuts and throwing the shells on the hardwood floor?

When was the last time you listened to Top 40 at a deafening volume and watched professional bowling while eating dinner at home?

Why is it that we will wait an hour for a table (hey, we've got nuts) but once we get to the table we want to order right away?

Where is that waitress? We've been sitting here 10.2 seconds. I think my seat is starting to get warm!

Why do we need a straw with our drink when we don't even stock them in our pantry at home?

Um, what's up with the paper coaster? The table is wiped down with bleach water every 45 minutes.

Why is it that we calculate the exact amount of tip we should give the waitress but when the pizza guy- the guy who has literally driven miles to our house to deliver us our supper- arrives at the door, we haphazardly hand him a couple extra bucks.

What restaurant expert decided that the little cup of dressing is considered enough for my salad? Why can't they just put the dressing on the table with the ketchup?

Why is the silverware SO BIG?

When my pot roast is good and everyone has enjoyed their dessert, why don't they leave me a five on the table? All I get is a spaghetti stain on the good tablecloth.

Sigh.

9 comments:

Jessica said...

I love this post! My husband and I have had debates on tipping the pizza guy verses tipping the waitress at a restaurant. I think the waitress deserves more, but my husband thinks the pizza guy deserves more because he has to drive and fight traffic...I guess the debate continues! :)

Tami said...

Funny. The only one I have an answer for is the need for straws- I don't want to put my mouth on that glass! (But of course, I don't hesitate to use the silverware and eat off the plates...)

Nancy said...

Seinfeld is going to steal this material. It's awesome. You should be doing stand-up!

Melanie said...

Seinfeld stealing my material? That is the greatest compliment yet!

Ovaltine. Why don't they call it Roundtine? The jar is round...

Tammy said...

OK...that last one? I think I'm going to make this suggestion when my family gets home...better yet, I'll leave a little empty bowl in the middle that says "tips"! I love it!

I don't know if you stopped recently, but my family is gone camping for a half a week- without me. Last year, seemed I couldn't wait for them to leave...this time, I'm missing them way too much.
Plus, can't wait to use that tip idea. ;)

Susanne said...

I never gave a second thought to all of this but now I'll be asking myself this stuff the next time we eat out. And our pizza man will probably be thanking you the next time he delivers.

Grafted Branch @ Restoring the Years said...

Oh! Ho! Ho! Ho! Melanie, you have inspired an incredulous guffaw...

Ahem. Allow me to explain:

First, never, never eat the nuts. Unless they're individually wrapped. You, my sweet Southerner, have *too* much confidence in the bathroom handwashing of your fellow diners. Blech.

Next, straws are good. Restaurant dishwashers? Not so much. Straws are handy for keeping your lips off the sanitized lipstick residue of--again--fellow diners.

Finally, paper coasters...or better yet, placemats, are good. That bleach water? Same bleach water and cloth they've been using all. day. long.

On all kinds of imaginative spills. Again...blech.

But fun post! lol. :)

justabeachkat said...

Very cute post!

Hugs!
Kat

Linda said...

Brilliant. You should get paid for this stuff. And when LaToya Jackson was in Muncie, she wanted linens on her Texas Roadhouse table. Some of us are weirder than others.