Thursday, March 13, 2008

Hey, Scarecrow. Call me Mrs. King.

While everyone else was at Target buying plastic Easter grass and Peeps, I was at the Sheriff's Department getting fingerprinted.

A volunteer job I signed up for requires a routine background check. Yesterday, I was handed a fingerprinting card and directions. Once I found my way to the Sheriff's office, I took a seat. (OK, I didn't actually take a seat; that may be mistaken for stealing. Technically, I borrowed a seat.)

So, anyway, I borrowed a seat and waited across from a man who was heavily tattooed. Normally, this would make me feel uneasy, but there were very strong men who were armed in the next room. With badges and stuff.

Within a few minutes, they called me back and I explained that I needed to be fingerprinted. I put my purse down on the counter and handed the officer my envelope.

"Is this for a concealed weapons permit?" he questioned.

"Do I look like I need a concealed weapons permit?" I asked in bewilderment.

"No, but most of the time those people have the same kind of envelope and they put it on the counter face down the way you did," he explained.

Um....kay.

The officer started the fingerprinting process. (It's digital now! CoooWel!!)

Then, trying to be the considerate person that my Mama would have me be, I picked up my purse to get it out of the way and put it on my shoulder.

"You can leave your purse there, M'am. It is safe behind that plate of bullet proof glass."

We were not off to a good start. Can ya tell? I politely said I was only trying to move it out of the way and then placed it to the side.

I stood there with the officer holding my hand, carefully rolling each finger to get a copy of my prints.

"What do you do for a living?" he asked.

"I'm a Stay-At-Home Mom," I answered.

"Your prints are very faint. You use too many cleaning products. They are destroying your fingerprints. We see this in people who are doctors, nurses, people who clean for a living, wash their hands a lot, or do masonry work," the officer explained.

Me doing masonry work. Snort.

The kind and armed officer continued to roll my fingers again and again and again...

After completing the very faint and hard to read fingerprint card, he had to attach an addendum explaining that I was a "difficult" person to print and to "contact the Sheriff's office" if there were any questions about my background check.

So, now I am in need (obviously) of a concealed weapons permit so that I can carry a piece in my black and white toile purse that is in the way but perfectly safe behind the window of bullet proof glass, and I have burned my fingerprints nearly off with Clorox bleach and goodness knows what else I have used to scrub the commodes in my house.

Just your average day.

Tomorrow, I get my new identity.

11 comments:

Lynne said...

You've just given me the perfect reason not to clean the house today - I certainly don't want my fingerprints to disappear!

Linda said...

YOu scared me there at first saying you were being printed. I thought you'd gone off the deep end. I'm sure my mother has zero prints left. Not I.

Jennifer said...

I am so going to remember this next time I consider turning to a life of crime. Two helpful hints in two days - first the shoe basket and now how to erase our fingerprints! How helpful and creative you are to your blog readers! Ha!

Kelly @ Love Well said...

Do you think you'll get new fingerprints with your new identity?

Too funny.

Pam said...

Too funny. Just this week I went to get fingerprinted for our adoption, and they told me that I have bad fingerprints too. Maybe we should start a support group or something? ; )

Roxanne said...

HILARIOUS. . .and I would LOVE to have a black and white toile purse.

MC said...

Hmmm...interesting. I am a nurse, and now I am thinking I must be washing my fingerprints right off my...umm...fingers! Thanks for the heads up!

WillThink4Wine said...

Excellent! No more cleaning? I had to be fingerprinted years ago when I was doing Foster Care Babysitting. He had a hard time rolling my fingers. Arthur-itus had my hands that day!

Hello from a fellow Georgian! Your blog is delightful! I'll be back for a visit soon!

Fiddledeedee (It Coulda' Been Worse) said...

Wow. It's good to know that if this stay-at-home mom business doesn't work out, I'm totally setting myself up for a print-free life of crime. Given the nature of my cleaning abilities though, I may be wrong.

Funny funny post.

PJ said...

You have so many options. A life of crime -- undetected. Go international and do the spy thing. Or just write the novel about the stay-at-home-Mom with no fingerprints who becomes a famous international spy. Mata Hari with kids in tow.

On the other hand, you could go on strike for higher wages -- join the teamsters with the other masons. You have the proof, who needs employment records?

fruitfulwords said...

You are a funny but very informative writer.

As soon as I press enter, I'm checking your archives to see what other information I need to know that I didn't know I needed to know.