How To Be A Good Santa (tongue in rosey cheek)

A little elf called me last night to tell me that my father-in-law is going to play Santa tonight at their church. Santa phoned him and asked for reinforcements because he is busy at the North Pole dealing with the Elf Union issues while trying to produce millions of Wii's.

Maybe Santa could use a bailout.

This is the first time my father-in-law has helped out Santa and donned the red suit, so I thought it may be nice to share some tips on how to be a good Santa.

Not that I've ever been a good Santa. I've never even been a bad Santa.

But I've been a kid. Once. Long, long ago.

So, here ya go.

1. Prepare to be a cool liar. Kids will ask you all kinds of things like, "Do you really live at The North Pole?" and "Is it cold there?"

Resist the urge to tell the kid to watch The Weather Channel and pay attention in geography class.

Two-year olds don't watch TWC.

2. Tell the kids how absolutely wonderful and lovely and helpful Mrs. Claus is and that you wouldn't be the man you are today without her.

This will get you a blank stare from the kids but Mrs. Claus will love you.

3. Pop a breath mint.

For some reason, all the Santas I talked to suffered from halitosis.

4. Tell the kids to leave out Reese's peanut butter cups and Starbucks coffee on Christmas Eve.

I hear that's Santa's favorite.

5. If a kid asks you if they've been good, look over at their mother.

If she looks put together and stands there smiling, holding a camera, tell them ,"Yes, keep up the good work!"

If she looks disheveled, is popping a Xanax or is in fact hiding, tell the kid "You're lucky I'm only allowed to give out coal. At least, that's what the law allows."

6. Keep some Purell on hand. And maybe a can of Lysol. Zycam for extra insurance.

7. If the mom talks on her cell phone while her child is experiencing one of the most precious and memorable parenting moments, repeat the following to the child:

"You can have the tricked out 4 wheeler but only if your parents are good and your mom gets off the cell phone while she is shopping, driving, and supposedly experiencing one of the most precious and memorable parenting moments, hello, lady with the bluetooth!"

You may want to yell a little.

8. As a rule, unless it is directed at the parents, yelling is frowned upon.

9. When you're bored, just for fun, tell the kids that you are a victim of Global Warming and your home is melting as you speak.

That'll make for a really happy time.

And a great Christmas card picture.