Friday, July 11, 2008

An old Pink Panther joke is soooo tempting.

Yesterday afternoon one of my favorite Peeps dropped by and with his visit, he left behind a messy trail of toxins.

I'm talking, of course, about The Bug Man.

One night last week, while I was loading the dishwasher, I noticed a few ants in my tea glass. Oh, how I hate sugar ants.

I'd just received a postcard reminder from Buginix for their usual visit. Most of the time, they only spray outside the house, but I called Monday morning to ask them to come inside and take care of our dear friends, the ant family.

I use the term Friends loosely.

I have learned way too much about insects from my own child and from Arnold, The Bug Man himself. One thing Arnold told me on his last visit was this-

"Don't try to spray the ants yourself and don't clean before I arrive."

Spraying the ants yourself makes them scatter and can actually make the problem worse. Cleaning before he arrives removes their little pheromone ant trail and it is difficult for him to see from whence they come.

Yesterday morning, as difficult as it was, I did not spray the kitchen counters with anything. I saw a few ants just lollygagging around, but none of them had any sense of purpose.

Apparently there is at least one market not tapped into by Rick Warren.

So, anyhoo, I made myself a little solution of sugar water and left over Toaster Strudel icing, put it out on a paper towel and BAM! Emeril himself could not have made a better ant meal.

The Bug Man called me to let me know he was on his way, and asked if I could tell where they were coming from. I told him about my little ant sugar solution and he was elated.

When he arrived, he used some serious exterminator terminology like "Are they trailing today?" and I knew I'd climbed the rungs of the bug killer ladder.

I was in the cherry picker of bug killin,' my friends.

What was even more funny, is that he had a rookie in training with him. He showed him the little ant solution and the three of us watched the ants snack on it.

The Bug Man then told me about all of the amateur housewives he'd visited yesterday who had cleaned their counters and then declared,"The ants aren't here today."

The two of them rolled their eyes and he said,"You've made our job much easier."

Um, glad to help.

We continued to watch the little guys snack at the bar. One of the ants scurried away.

As it did, The Bug Man took out his official bug flashlight, and said,"What is THAT?"

His light formed a spotlight like a helicopter in a field, searching for the runaway suspect. I heard a search dog barking in the distance, but then I snapped out of it and realized it was just the dog next door.

"Oh my gosh. That is a dead body! This ant is carrying a dead body," The Bug Man discovered, then turned to me and said,"He is carrying away the ones you've already killed."

It was then that I knew we should have secured the crime scene.

I walked out of the kitchen and watched TV with my daughter as The Bug Man and The Rookie went to work. I could overhear the two of them talking ...

"We're going to bait them."

"Looks like they're coming from the outlet."

"Since she is already using a sugar water solution, we are going to go ahead and go with that."

Squirt, Squirt, Squirt.

They called me back in and The Bug Man explained the Plan of Action.

"We went ahead and mixed up a sugar water solution, but first I sprayed your Febreze to isolate the ants in this small area. That way they will go right to the bait. What we really want is the Queen. I've used a mild pesticide, Boric Acid, and mixed it with the sugar water. You should see results in a few days."

(And seriously, I am not sure what impressed me more. The fact that he went with my sugar water solution or that he cleaned the countertops with my Febreze!)

The two of them went outside to conquer the other annoying insects and I watched as the ants began to find their way to the deadly sugar mix. It didn't take long for them to "start trailing."

Within minutes, there were tiny black dots gathered around a blob of goo. They didn't notice that their friends were, ya know, dead.

If I listened closely with my new Bug Expert ears, I could almost hear them saying...

"Hey, guys! Look, sweet goo.... kinda tastes funny. Must be diet!"

"I can't feel my legs."

"What happened to Larry?"

"I dunno. Somebody better call him a cab."


Fiddledeedee said...

LOVE this post. I went after a pincher bug with my semi-automatic today. My daughter cried out, "MOM, NO, just let him go outside." Not on my watch, girlfriend. The only good bug, is a dead bug.

Chel said...

You're hilarious! Thanks for the laugh!

I could seriously envision the yellow tape and spotlights and everything!

Too funny!

Susanne said...

"Secured the crime scene". You are hilarious! I love this. I'll never look at an ant without thinking of you. LOL.

LeAnne said...

what a great post...glad you got your intruders "taken care of".

sprymary said...

You are so funny. I just love hearing about your relationship with the bug man.

Roxanne said...

Hilarious. . .who knew you could bond with your bug man on such a deep level.

secondofwett said...

Every July when we'ven been at our trailer for a few days the ants start appearing....I always start spraying....I had NO idea that dealing with them could be so complicated....I just start spraying!....oh well...