Friday, July 07, 2006

It's Hammock Time

You can get away with anything in a hammock.

There are a few things you should know about hammocks, a sort of underground, unwritten, hammock code, (not to be confused with Hammurabi's code.)

Rule #1- A hammock hung between two trees is far more relaxing and chic than one suspended from an aluminum hammock stand. Something about the nuts and bolts of the frame takes away some of the allure.

Rule #2- The hammock must be a safe distance from the house or it just doesn't feel, you know, like you are truly roughing it. Not that you are, (roughing it), but you are attempting to project that image to the other members of the family. Let's face it. You are lying down, on a moderately cushioned outdoor bed suspended off the ground, away from all biting insects, dirt, and itchy grass. The most dangerous thing that could happen to you while lying in a hammock is a leaf falling on you, or a pine cone, or possibly something worse if your hammock is hung from a tree which doubles as a home to a family of birds.

Rule # 3- DON'T MISS THIS ONE! You can lie in a hammock as long as you wish and no one will accuse you of being lazy. You could spend the exact same amount of time on the couch with the remote in your hand, and your wife will walk by and give you that look. You know the look- The Are you still on the couch?? Aren't you going to get up sometime today? look.

But, go lounge in the hammock, and your wife will peer out the kitchen window and think with a smile, "Oh, look. He is resting in the hammock. I am so glad he is getting some time to himself. How nice. I will just finish the dishes, fold the laundry, and fix the toilet while he lies out there in the sun and sleeps. Isn't life grand!"

You cannot, I repeat, you cannot share this secret with just anyone. You could ruin it for all of us. Just think what we would be lose if this secret got out. Not only would we have to put away our own hammocks, but also we would devastate society's advances in science, math, medicine, and space exploration!

This leads us to our last rule.

Rule #4- While in a hammock, your IQ will increase at least 20...30...oh 100 points! You will use the extra percentage of the brain that is normally wasted by those not in hammocks. Thoughts and ideas will come to you in beautiful visions and you may even cure horrible diseases!

Some of the greatest discoveries in history were made in a hammock. All geniuses own hammocks. (This is not actually a rule, but a myth. Just go along with me here, and you will have another reason to climb in your hammock. Just remember to mention that Abraham Lincoln wrote The Gettysburg Address in his hammock.)

So, enjoy your hammock, and follow the rules. You are now officially a member of the hammock society. Congratulations!

Now go and do nothing. Einstein did.


Susanne said...

I want a hammock now! Ok do the rules go the other way? If hubby looks out and sees wifey laying in the hammock does he think, "Oh look how nice she's resting. I'll cook supper tonight so I don't disturb that look of contentment on her face. And while I'm at it I might as well vacuum and dust, too! And I'll just add that load of laundry to the machine!"
'Cause if it does I'm buying one today!

Melanie said...

My hubby bought me one. Works every time. SO, go for it, girl!